


Erase my heart

by sharkinterviewee



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Tumblr Post, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gamora (Marvel) Lives, I wrote this entire thing before the movie came out, I'm just slow AF when it comes to editing, Love, Memory Loss, No Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Romantic Angst, Team as Family, Tumblr Prompt, starmora-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2019-10-20 16:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17626082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkinterviewee/pseuds/sharkinterviewee
Summary: Gamora laughed, hit with a rush of fondness as she looked at her team, and she was actually glad it was her. There's this painful feeling in her chest at the thought of Rocket not remembering their hand of poker last night, how Mantis beat them all hands down, at the thought of Groot not recognizing her. It had been over a month. She knew she wasn't getting her memories back.When she first opened her eyes after being brought back from the dead, she had no idea who these people were, but she knew they family. Soon, they were working together as a team and annoying each other like always. She knew this is what home felt like. This was where she belonged. It felt right.Except.Peter. She swore there was always some tension between them, and she didn't know why he was still far away when the others were close and there for her and set on becoming her family again. She didn't know why he couldn't just accept it and be her family again. She didn't know why it hurt so much when he withdrew again.She was just venting, not expecting an answer when she asked the others what his problem was, but the one Drax gave chilled her to the bone. "You were his girlfriend, Gamora."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Original prompt](http://rebellarke.tumblr.com/post/173895528749/starmora-prompt-i-know-its-probably-too-klischee)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author wrote this entire fic before EG came out, so it won't have any spoilers in it. I'm just slow AF editing it

In the beginning

He seems to be avoiding her, this Peter Quill, captain of the Guardians of the Galaxy. She finds herself… irritated. She doesn’t know why it bothers her so much.

She finds herself seeking him out, looking for him, and when she finds something of interest she often ends up smiling and her first instinct is to go find Peter and show it to him.

It’s only after she finds herself walking around the ship, popping her head in rooms, trying to find where he’s hiding out that she wonders why she wanted to show it to him in the first place.

He hadn’t made any indication that he wanted to be her friend. Sure, he’s nice and polite and tries to accommodate and make it as easy as possible for Gamora to adjust and get acclimated, and he’s helpful and nice, but she clearly makes him uncomfortable.

He’s made his wishes known, by his actions, always pulling back and withdrawing when she tries to extend a hand of friendship or something. Peter clearly wants to keep his distance.

Why was that so upsetting?

It was frustrating- and she didn’t know why. Why she couldn’t just respect his wishes, why she kept trying to metaphorically reach out, why it bothered her so much when he pushed her further and further away.

Why did she even wanna be close to him? Why did she keep trying to be his friend when he so obviously didn’t want to be hers?

Okay, she knew it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t easy for any members of the team. Sometimes she’s almost glad it happened to her. Because as she’s laughing with her team, as she looks out with a wave and rush of fondness at her best friends, her family, she gets this painful feeling in her chest at the thought of Rocket not remembering their hand of poker last night and how Mantis beat them all hands down, at the thought of Drax looking at her and not knowing who she was.

It’s been over a month, she’s certain she’s not getting her memories back. But she was surprisingly okay with that.

Because the first time she opened her eyes after being brought back from the dead, she had no idea who these people were, but she knew they were _family._ They were her friends, she trusted them. She couldn’t remember them, but she knew they were family.

They’ve already gotten back into the ‘swing of things’, working together as a team, their interactions, fighting and arguing and having fun and annoying each other like always.

Normal. She doesn’t remember what normal used to be, but she can feel it. She knows it in her heart that this is what home feels like. This is where she belongs.

As she gets onto Groot about his language and rolls her eyes at Rocket and Peter arguing, and doing readouts for their latest mission and automatically adjusting her language to be more literal so Drax wouldn’t get confused about directions- this was right.

How things used to be. How they should be. How they are. It is still strange and not necessarily pleasant on some occasions, but for the most part things are comfortable in their relationships to each other, happy and just the right amount of familial aggravating that’s only come from being a family for years. Nothing’s changed that.

This is as it should be. Home.

Things aren’t necessarily how they were, not quite, but it still feels right. Different, but right.

Except… Peter.

She doesn’t know if anyone else can sense it.

She swears there’s always tension between them, but she doesn’t know if anyone else has picked up on it. She doesn’t know why he’s still far away when Rocket and Drax and Mantis are close and there for her and set on becoming her family again. She doesn’t know why he can’t just accept that and be her family again.

She doesn’t know why it hurts so much when he withdraws again.

She’s trying not to take it personally. She’s been filled in on their past adventures as Guardians of the Galaxy, she’s heard about saving Xandar from Drax, Mantis has told her about Ego and how Peter’s father almost killed them all and destroyed the universe but they saved it as a team, Rocket has told her about how Peter distracted Ronan with ridiculous dance moves and music from his mother’s mixtape, and made Gamora snort with laughter as he described it.

She knows of his history of losing his mother and his surrogate father figure, the only family he ever had. She knows it must have destroyed him to lose yet another family figure in her. Now she’s back, and he’s having trouble reconciling the pain and heartache. Plus tons of emotional issues (they’re all kinda fucked up, she knows that).

She’s trying not to take it personally.

She should respect his wishes and keep a safe emotional distance between them for the time being, but she wants her family back, and Peter’s still so far away from her, and she’s determined to win her friend back over. She wants her friend back.

She doesn’t know why it’s so frustrating when she can’t find him anywhere on the ship and why she goes looking for him so often, until one day she realizes- she wants his attention.

That’s why she always wants to bring her datapad over after reading something interesting, why she always thinks of some question to ask their resident Terran, why when she’s made a discovery she always tries to call him over, why she always wants to find him and share something with him right away. She wants his attention. He barely even looks at her when she isn’t directly addressing him.

She doesn’t know why her chest hurts so much when it feels like he won’t give her the time of day. Why she wants to tell him to suck it up and stop avoiding her like the plague, why she wants so badly to just have a normal damn conversation with him. Why she wants to tell him it’s not easy for her either, but she’s trying. She wants to ask him so badly why he’s not even trying.

But she doesn’t. Instead she just gets frustrated every time he pulls away. But she keeps trying.

* * *

“What is his problem?” Gamora asks, more than a little ticked, slamming the bottle of whiskey back down on the table a bit too hard.

“Who?”

“Peter. He looks at me like he killed me himself. And that’s even _if_ he looks at me,” she scowls. “I get you all feel guilty about what happened. But there’s self-blame, and then there’s- whatever shit he’s so worked up about. Why can’t he just get over it like you guys? So things can get back to normal. He’s always so weird around me. And he- he smiles so easily with you guys,” Gamora swallows, a lump forming in her throat. “He doesn’t smile like that with me. Like maybe _I_ killed someone or something. Just- why’s he gotta make a big deal? He always gets quiet and leaves the room when I walk in the room. What’s he got against me, huh? What’d I ever do to him? I would apologize, ‘xept I can’t even remember what I did, but he still seems set on holding it against me. Won’t even tell me what I did wrong. Or let me try to fix it. What’s his deal?” She’s just ruminating, being a little pissy and finally venting her frustrations with the family that doesn’t ignore her. She doesn’t expect an answer. But she gets one anyway.

Drax was never known for his sensibilities or holding his tongue. He doesn’t phrase things delicately or lightly- blunt is the only way he knows how to speak. “You were his girlfriend, Gamora.”

It chills her to the bone. She looks up from her drink, around the table. Rocket and Mantis are looking down at the table, looking guilty. And she knows it’s true.

“W-what?” She asks, her voice breaking.

“I thought you knew,” Drax says, apparently unaware (or more likely had just forgotten) that they were keeping this major, major thing from her.

Rocket still won’t look at her. “All the experts ‘n docs n shit said it’d be best for you to just have your friends ‘n family. That it was important for your recovery. Familial support or something. They said remind you of who your friends ‘n family was.”

“So when I… we were…?” She asks, voice wavering.

“Yeah,” Rocket confirms.

She gets up abruptly from the table and leaves. No one goes after her. She needs to process this, alone. She goes to the room and slams her door shut, locking it.

She goes and sits on top of her bed, curls up, holding her knees to her chest.

They were dating when she died. Peter was still her boyfriend less than two months ago. It wasn’t like they used to date and then they had broken up or something. No, they were together, in a romantic relationship when she died on Vormir.

That’s why.

She thinks of every time she’s seen that sad, sad look on his face the past month, whenever he looked at her, the look he got when he plastered on a fake smile that was only for her benefit, why he always got quiet when she walked in the room, why he always slipped out when she wasn’t looking, she thinks of every time she saw his face this past month, that look in his eyes, whenever she reached out and he pulled away.

Gamora starts to cry.

Loud and jagged, holding her knees. She thinks this is what heartbreak feels like.

* * *

Once she’s gotten all the tears out, she almost feels relieved.

She finally had an answer. Why something felt like it was missing, that tugging in her chest like he was wrapped in her heart strings and pulled them with him every time he left- every time he walked away from her. Why she felt so full every time she saw him genuinely smile at someone else, why it hurt so much that he didn’t smile that way at her. Why she cared so much, why she wanted to be close to him, why she _needed_ to be close to him. Why this was so hard. Why it was so hard having him so close and so far away.

She finally had an answer. Why she felt this way, why it was different with him, why it was so much harder to not have him there. Why she felt this ache when she heard him say her name. Why it hurt so much.

Love.

That’s why. She finally had an answer.

Love.

She loves Peter. That’s why. She still loves him. She still loves him so much.

She starts crying again when she realizes she doesn’t know if he still loves her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the slightest smidge of canon divergence

Gamora doesn't know how long it's been when she finally comes out of her room. It's late. Safe to say it's been awhile.

She doesn't go back to find the others, doesn’t check to see if they're still drinking without her, if they've cleaned up and dispersed, if they've all gone to bed (she has a feeling it's the later- she's certain it's been hours since she abruptly left the table they had been gathered at the sudden reveal). They are the last thing she is thinking about as she leaves her room for what feels like the first time in forever (like she spent a lifetime curled up in her bed and holding her knees, a lifetime in the safety and darkness of her bed, a lifetime holding herself and crying, like the processing of it all took everything out of her and she's emerging a new person in a different, changed environment).

All of the light sources in the hall have been shut off or dimmed, the ships automatic schedule of mimicking the day and night cycle for its inhabitants, and even though she's walked these halls many times in the middle of the night since her return, they somehow seem different. Like the insides of the ship are bigger, making her feel small, the walls somehow more unforgiving, colder too, and the thrumming of the ships systems don't provide the same comfort they usually do. Instead the sounds are echoing in her ears, soft and muted, making her feel uneasy as she makes her way through the halls.

There's only one guardian she's thinking about right now. She goes straight to his room.

She doesn't have a plan of what she's going to say, what she's going to do once she gets there. She just goes. Straight to the captain's quarters.

She doesn't knock on the door once she gets there, or do anything else to give him forewarning, just walks right in to confront him.

He's still awake (if he had been sleeping she probably would've woken him up, but she didn't think that far ahead or plan for any contingencies).

Peter's sitting on the edge of his bed and looks up in surprise at his sudden guest, but when he sees it's her, his eyes find the floor, and the guilty way he's avoiding her gaze makes it clear their teammates already told him. That she knows.

“Why didn't you tell me?” She doesn't know if any answer he gave could be good enough, but she had to ask, demand an explanation from him- he had to at least give her something. She deserved a reason, she deserved a why. Even if it was a really shitty reason, she needed to know.

He can't even meet her eyes. He knows she has a right to be pissed about it. And she was- her voice harsh and angry in a way that was totally justified.

Just when he had started to think that maybe this confrontation wasn't going to happen tonight, she had walked right in with a vicious fury written all over her, a hurt, and maybe betrayal there too- but mostly it was the pissed as hell thing.

Peter slumps forward even more, just staring at an empty space on the floor like it was the only thing he could see. He still won't even look at her.

“Because it already hurts enough,” he says quietly. He doesn't know if he can speak any louder than that. It… it's already too much. He swallows, throat corded before he regains some control of himself, something like composure. “And it's not your responsibility to live up to the life I remember having with you.”

“But it was my life too!” Gamora shouts, crushing a hand to her chest. There are tears in her eyes, streaking down her cheeks, and her face crumples in a way that make the center of his chest _ache_.

Peter stands up, his body automatically moving towards her, trying to go to her, comfort her. It's pure instinct, trying to close the distance between them when he sees her like this. Never mind that she's still pissed as hell and probably wants nothing to do with him, much less have him anywhere near her. He doesn't really think about that. He doesn't think at all. Trying to bridge the gap between them when she's crying like this is something he just _does._ He can't help reaching out to her.

Peter doesn't make it more than a step before he's stopped in his tracks, though.

Because, at his first step forward, Gamora takes a step back, holding out her hand to keep him away, so he freezes, his heart falling into the pit of his stomach at the realization.

The way she's holding herself, an arm wrapped around her midsection, hunching forward as she cries, her other hand low, stuck out between them, a subconscious signal telling him to stay away, don't come any closer. Like he's dangerous, like he's going to hurt her, and she's holding her hand out between them to protect herself.

Peter stops, stays right where he is, and the look on his face is absolutely heartbreaking.

She can't really see him too well through all the tears, and she holds herself tighter, her lips trembling and pulling violently, voice shattered into a hoarse and broken thing.

“I don't… remember anyone, but the feelings are still there. Rocket, Mantis, Drax, they're my friends, I _trust_ them. But you… it's different with you,” Gamora crushes her fist to her chest again, like maybe it'll stop her heart from beating out of it. A weak, half choked out sound escapes her lips. “I don't- I don't remember you, but every time I look at your face that feeling's there, and I don't know why, but it's there, and I still feel it, but I don't know why, or even how it got there,” she bites her lip, the tears coming faster and harder, but she doesn't even care. “How could you not- it was my life too! Instead you just let me walk around like an idiot the past few weeks when everyone but me knows that we used to- it was my life too,” this time, the words come out as a desperate plea. “And I can still feel it every time I look at you. It was my life too. How could you not tell me? How could you not tell me I was in love with you?”

For a moment, Peter's just silent, staring at her and absolutely dumbfounded. Of all the things he expected to hear tonight, that certainly wasn't one of them.

He coughs, awkwardly clearing his throat, knowing she's still waiting for a response. But he doesn't even know what to think, after hearing her say that.

“I, uh,” he swallows the painful lump forming in his throat. “I didn't know that. You never told me. That you- that you... loved me. You hadn't said it out loud yet... before. You, uh... you never told me.”

The laugh she lets out is wet and broken.

“I'm sorry,” Gamora says with another jaded laugh, and something twists in his heart at the sound.

“What are you apologizing to me for?!” Peter exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air. “See! This is exactly what I was trying to avoid! You feeling sorry for something that's completely out of your control, and that neither of us can change no matter how hard we try. All this guilt for something no one has any control over, there's nothing anyone can do about it. But just cause more pain. I didn't want to cause more pain…” he trails off then, and from the sound of his voice, he's just giving up.

“No, I'm not apologizing for that,” she shakes her head, managing a small smile in spite of this god awful train wreck, “I'm apologizing for not telling you. That I loved you. Before everything happened.”

That shuts him up. His lips fall open in a soft part, looking more fragile than she's ever seen him. Than she can remember seeing him, anyway.

“You don't remember any of it, right? Anything from before?” Peter asks cautiously, hopefully.

And Gamora thinks maybe she gets what he means- at not wanting to cause any more pain- when she realizes she has to be the one to extinguish the light of hope in his eyes.

She shakes her head, more sorry than she could say to have gotten his hopes up only to dash them to the ground. “No, but I know this feeling has been here long enough that I should've said it to you long before anything happened. I’m sorry for that. I'm sorry I didn't say it in time.”

Peter's head drops down, hand covering his lips as his shoulders curl forward, curling in on himself. It's only when she sees his body shaking that Gamora realizes he's crying. Holding his hand over his mouth, hanging his head as his shoulders shake, with tears streaming down his face.

At the first sound he makes, it almost kills her, seeing him crying into his hand, shaking with barely muffled sobs.

Without a word Gamora goes to him. Nothing could keep her away.

Peter stiffens with a gasp when she wraps her arms around him.

“I-is this okay?” She asks, worried this was too much, too soon for him.

He starts outright sobbing then, no longer trying to quiet himself, but he fully leans into her for support as he cries so hard his lungs burn. Just breaking down and letting her catch him.

She'd kept being drawn to him, wanting to touch him, but she hadn't been able to- before now.

Now, she gave in to the feeling that it was right to be holding Peter Quill.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I took out the line from IW. It was better without it. (This fic, I mean, it was one of the only redeeming parts of the starmora storyline in the actual movie)
> 
> Things won't be fixed by the next chapter, but they will be better


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This entire fic was written before the movie came out, I'm slow at editing, and I still haven't seen EG anyway, so this chapter and entire fic will be endgame spoiler free since I'm still avoiding spoilers myself

Things are still- different, strange between them, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. As much as she hates to say it, she does- understand it. Especially in the aftermath of the truth coming out.

And he- he didn't know. The feelings she was having the whole time, the feelings she still had for him. He thought she didn't remember him, that Peter just seemed like a stranger to her, someone she had no connection to in the slightest. She probably would have done the same. She _knows_ she would have done the same, try to spare him all she could. She would've done anything to keep him safe, spare him the heart ache, even if protecting him meant keeping him in the dark. She would've spared him all she could. Whatever was possible, to keep the hurt away from him.

It probably would've been fine if everything was gone, but the feelings were still there, and it just made the distance confusing and painful.

She remembers what he said. “It's not your responsibility to live up to the life I remember having with you.”

There is still a tension between them, but it's… different, oddly shaped. More awkward than painful. She recognizes the pressure he was trying to keep off of her, the weight of this knowledge. She recognizes that the Guardians were advised to provide support and be her friends and family, to keep it to platonic and familial support, like any of the so called ‘experts’ knew shit about people coming back from the soul world with memory loss (like that was a common occurrence for anyone to deal with). In the wake of revealing secrets, and hashing it all out with Peter, she finds she's not mad at any of the guardians (including Peter) for keeping such a major thing from her- rather, she's mad at the people who _told_ them to do that. (It took her a couple days to reach this conclusion, but still, she got there all on her own. She deserved some time to just be upset and mad at everyone and everything- mad at the universe for this whole thing).

She wasn't happy with them for doing it, but she didn't blame them for trying to do what was supposed to be best- what they were told by someone who claimed to know what they were doing said was the right thing to do in this situation. The healthy thing. She never met the “experts and docs ‘n shit” as Rocket called them who had apparently provided consultations before she opened her eyes after being brought back from the dead, but safe to say she did not appreciate the advice they gave her family.

Still, it had been over a month, and she recognized this was an impossible situation, and it wasn't any use holding grudges against the people she loved. (She got the emotional processing of that bombshell out with Peter when she found out).

Besides, she's too… happy in the aftermath to be mad at Peter for not telling her.

Now that she knows, it is still strange between them, with an undercurrent of weirdness and awkwardness and sheepishness, but that was cloud nine compared to the confusion and hurt feelings she was stuck with in the first couple weeks following her return to the land of the living.

It was still weird between her and Peter, but at least it didn't hurt anymore.

She finds herself smiling more often, finds herself truly enjoying how they can have a real conversation with each other again, how Peter looks at her again, laughs with her again, spends time with her again. There are still the awkward smiles and sheepish looks they give each other when they interact half the time, the apologetic smiles when they bump into each other and so on, but it's better than nothing, better than it was.

While her relationships with the rest of the team have already settled into something comfortable and natural, she and Peter have yet to reach equilibrium in their interactions with each other.

Two months after her resurrection, a month after the whole ‘used to be dating’ bombshell, and they still hadn't figured things out with each other. They had been making progress in not being weird or awkward around each other, but it was still taking time. It's a learning curve.

* * *

Okay, it wasn't all fine with Peter. It didn't hurt as bad anymore, but some of it still hurt.

Because she… she still loves him. It hurts to not be with the person you love, knowing it will never be the same between you again.

She tries to push it out of her mind. Concentrate on how Peter genuinely wants to be her friend again, tries to be satisfied with that, focus on being the best friend that she can be to him in return.

She wishes they could just be together again, but she knows that she is not the person… she is not the person he knew.

It's not fair to him for her to expect it to be any different- or for them to be the same, when she isn't…. she’s not who she used to be, the person he knew, the person he spent years with, the person he had a relationship with, the person he fell in love with.

That's all there is to it, really. There wasn't any changing that. Even though her thoughts always come back to it, seems like she's thinking it over and over. She's just not the person he knew. It's not fair to him to expect it to be otherwise. She knows it's not.

She is a different person than the woman he knows and loves, and even though she still loves him so much, it's not fair to expect him to want the same with a stranger.

And that's what hurts.

* * *

It is still hard. Gamora wishes it was easier, she wishes a lot of things. She wishes she could be the person he remembers, wishes she could be together with the one she loves. And she's trying so very hard to keep this all in mind. She just- she doesn't want to hurt him. More than anything, she doesn't want to hurt Peter anymore.

* * *

She's very conscious, aware, that she's just a ghost. She's just a ghost in the body of one of his dead loved ones, and she doesn't want to hurt him. Some days it seems like it's all she can think about. How she's a ghost living in the body of someone he used to love but is gone now. She knows it's not... productive, dwelling on thoughts like those, but she can't help it, because it's _true,_ and she seems to be reminded of it every time she looks his way. That longing in her chest, knowing the reason behind it, the reason behind why it'll never be satisfied. It's not so much looking at him, she supposes. It's feeling that pull, this flurry of emotions (mostly good, and warm), and then her brain has to ruin it because she remembers why she _can't_ be close to him, not in the way she wants to be, the way she's desperate for.

When she says something similar to him one day, about being a ghost in the body of someone they all used to know, that _he_ used to know, Peter's quick to correct her.

He doesn't think of it like that. He explains it like time travel.

The way Peter says- he thinks of it like he's from five years in the future, and this is just past Gamora. Like they're both displaced in time.

She's the Gamora who hadn't met him yet, basically.

It's not that the Gamora he knew is gone, it's that she just hasn't met him yet.

The way he explains it- it gives her hope.

 


End file.
